Category: UK Media

A Message From Queen Elizabeth II About the American Secession Movement

The American Secession Movement  Has Been Cancelled
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
 
To the Citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.  (You should look up ‘revocation‘ in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Since your independence has been thus revoked, there is no Union from which to secede, therefore cease and desist filing petitions, as they are useless.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’).
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2.  Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  There is no such thing as U.S. English.  We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’
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3.  July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4.  You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
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5.  Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6.  All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7.  The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
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8.  You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9.  The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed  with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS:  Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
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March 2011 has brought Americans yet another dire omen of political and foreign policy ill winds to come: we are now inching toward becoming embroiled in Libya, against all better common sense and judgment. I do not agree with Sarah Palin on this one. Sometimes you just have to let these nations work out their own destinies without sticking your foreign policy fingers and your overbearing cruise missiles into the mix, thus making it all potentially much worse.

Anymore, what we used to call “foreign policy” in America has seemingly become just one long intellectual justification for the U.S. military machine to do whatever the hell it wants to, whenever and where ever it wants to.

Whatever happened to the will and consent of the American people in all this? It’s our money that’s being spent here.

While the US military rained down at least 100 cruise missiles onto Libya, causing more than 60 civilian casualties, Barack Obama gave a speech on human rights in Brazil. The resulting utter political and humane cognitive dissonance was loud enough to be heard back in the states all the way from South America.

As the Obama White House adds yet another overseas military Op to it’s list of “things to do when you are utterly bankrupt”, it seems more and more that the US does not exactly “go to war” in a definitive manner anymore. We just kind of kick around, hands in pockets, muse it all over, then more or less sort of “stumble in”, and fall into some kind of rote in so doing that makes me really wonder not only who’s really in charge, but what kind of thinking allows that in the shape we are in financially here at home, what orchard where money grows on trees are we now plucking from now to justify the cost of yet another military intervention?

I am sick over this, just sick over it. I am sick of death, and men and their ridiculous wars, and the insane justifications that are conjured up each time our military does this. We literally can’t afford to do this. I avoided reporting on it for a week because I just COULD NOT BELIEVE that in the wake of Iraq, that we were going to crank up yet another overseas military involvement. Our miserable UN assigned “job” as the world’s military police force has bankrupted our nation, cost thousands of precious young American lives, and is now soon to incite world war three in the Mideast if we don’t stop this.

If we are now going to intervene in Libya, it would stand to reason we would then intervene throughout the entire Mideast region. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Just the mere thought of Barack Obama making a speech in Brazil on human rights as US military intervention cranks up in Libya makes me ill with the utter sight of the duplicity of it all. I have never wanted a man OUT of the White House like I want this man OUT. It goes without saying that this is the most disastrous president I have seen in my lifetime. 2012 cannot get here fast enough for me. Vote this incompetent SOB out of the White House in 2012 before he leads us straight into a final nuclear conflagration in the Mideast that could spread all around the world.

CK Hunter